Alert Levels around the globe.

[The Baron]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[paul463]

Trying to upload something ......

[Sundance]

love the second one.

the first one, i've seen the bit up to America before, but the ending's new. LOL'd.

[Monkfish]

Hah! Both good.

First one reminds me that I visited an old French settlement on the island this summer. Two flags were flying, the old Union Flag and a plain white one. The guide asked if we knew what the white one was. I jokingly piped up "The French Flag!".

Well blow me 'cos it turns out it was. For years the French flag and the surrender flag were synonymous, but unfortunately not because of the French propensity to surrender but their ability at the time to get others to. No I couldn't quite believe it either.

Also turns out the guide had French ancestry of which he was immensely proud. Lead balloons don't come close.

[humby248]

Love this! It made me think of this transcript that did the rounds on Hotmail a year or 2 ago. Everyone's probably seen it already but if anyone has'nt here it is:

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Thundershot]

I remember Punt & Dennis covering this on "It's been a bad week!" (awarded weekly, on a week by week basis!)

As good as the story they covered about an inept American Bank Robber, who ran into a bank brandishing a sawn-off shot gun & wearing a stocking mask shouted "Hands up mother stickers,...This is a f*ck up!"

Rather unsurprisingly every one, including the armed security guards, just laughed @ him & he left empty handed

[tintinlostsnowy]

That's funny I heard it while I was in Bosnia and the Yanks were well miffed when we were taking the mick out of them,
There is now an official denial by the U.S. Navy.

But who can believe anything in authority these days?....................We never went into Iraq in 91 but some of us know different.

http://www.navy.mil/navydata/navy_legacy_hr.asp?id=174

"The Lighthouse Joke"

The following is being transmitted around the Internet as an event that really took place, but it never happened. It is simply an old joke like those found in popular magazines:



Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Note: USS Coral Sea (CV 43) was decommissioned and scrapped 2 July 1993. Other ships' names appearing have been USS Missouri (BB 63) which was decommissioned on 31 March 1992 and USS Nimitz (CVN 68) which is an active ship.

Reviewed: 02 September 2009

[Chopper]

It would be more like this for NZ and Aussie;

NZ has a habit of making something from nothing and most of the locals are armed to the teeth anyway However, if the government gets involved by the time a decision is made the enemy is sitting comfortably in The Beehive. At this point in time the New Zealand people are doing what the government should have been doing in the first place. Threat levels run from "f*ck it" to "Kamate, Kamate, Kaora, Kaora........"

As for Aussie. There is no f*cking way a barbie will be cancelled under any circumstances. Thats just wrong. The politicians will dumb the threat down anyway and it will soon disappear up its own arse in a cloud of red tape a paper. Aussies only have 1 threat level, She'll be right mate".

Good post tho, Baron.

[humby248]

I knew quite a few guys that fooled the yanks into thinking that the padding on the knuckles of the NI gloves contained a survival pack! This would be followed by the Brit offering to swap his only pair for a Leathermans or Gerber! I also knew someone who knew one of the Rapier crew who locked onto a F117 stealth fighter at an airshow shortly after the Yanks made them public by stating how invisible to radar they were. The sh*t hit the fan over that one!
I am not yank bashing though because when they were at RAF Akrotiri with us we had some great parties and they donated a load of superb gym equipment when they left.

[Chopper]

They donated heaps to the SAS too, during the Falklands and Iraq I & II.

I read that the RAF intercepted the first U2 to fly over the UK without permission. 2 Lightning's told the Yanks to bugger off as they flew up on its wing. Technology meets brute force.

The Aussies were the first to work out how to track the B2's as well, turbulence in their wake iirc. Yanks were a little miffed about that one. They also got miffed when a Kiwi built a cruise missile in his barn, GPS guidance and all for under $4000nz. The American govt put pressure on Kiwi parliament to stop him in the end.

Most of the guys in the NZ or Aussie forces I know seem rather reluctant to go to war with the Americans. They keep muttering on about friendly fire.