Blood for the Baron!

Okay this is a parody, of the US comic, basically the premise is, what if Major Bludd had been written much cooler than was in real life.


What follows is somewhat crude, and most would consider it potty humor, so if you don't like that sorta stuff, please by all means stop reading.


You have been warned.

If your continuing please enjoy....

Part 1:
How Major Bludd lost his hand.

In an office somewhere in Manhattan a bearded man sits on a chair. He’s not alone in this room. There is a second man sitting across from him, a glass table separates the two of them.

The bearded man began,” So, what brings you here Mr.…….”

The second man finished his sentence,” Lets just call me Larry okay, doc?”

“Sure we can start with that, but I will need a name at some point to bill you.”

“Oh that’s not an issue my company is picking up the tab on this. I’m sorta burnt out these days. I’ve been keeping a big secret, because I fear something terrible could happen to me.”

“Okay. I can understand that. What’s on your mind?”

“Have you heard of Cobra?”

“The Terrorist organization G. I. Joe Combat’s?”

“Yeah that’s them. Well I sorta have a hand in telling stories about them, and one man has made me tell lies about him to make him look better to the public.”

“Interesting, go on.”

“His name is Major Bludd. From what I know he is a mercenary that Cobra Commander recruited in the early 80’s. It all started in a bar…..”


A skuzzy place called Ash Hole Bar was a strip bar that rough biker types and other various thugs hang out at. The Commander was there to feed some dollar bills into g-strings of slutty women. When he spotted Major Bludd.

Bludd was a nasty looking fellow, and what caught the Commanders attention was the thought, “This guy looks like he’ll rob this place.” So keeping tabs on him was something that needed to be done.

The Commander was watching Bludd round the bar when Thumper, a slightly overweight and most definitely past her prime stripper hit the stage. Bludd made his way to a candy machine. The Commander followed.

He stopped at the side of the machine, and waited as Bludd fished his pockets for sixty cents. “Sixty bloody cents! Come on Sebastian ya afta have me dat Clak Bar.”

The commander laughed to himself. Of course Australian, what else.

Bludd become more frustrated.
“BUGGER IT ALL!”
He stooped down and stuck his hand in machine slot and began attempting to reach upward and steal the Clark Bar from the machine.

“Your never gonna get it, Aussie.”

“Names Bludd. Toss off pissa.”

“Look pal I got sixty cents if you really want that bar.”

“Ain’t da point gov, Bludd says he can, Bludd will.”

“Suit yourself pal.”

Bludd continued to fish about in the candy machine, making little progress.

The commander divided his time watching an idiot attempt to get his candy, and Thumper dancing near the end of the runway. When suddenly her stilettos heal broke causing her to tumble backward towards where Bludd was crouching, still with his hand in the machine.

Her mass hit Bludd dead on and as both hit the floor; there was an awful snap, and the sound of tearing flesh.

The world went dark for Bludd.


Several hours later Sebastian Bludd came through in a hospital bed. Their was a man sitting in a chair next to the bed. In it sat the Commander.

“Wot appened?”

“Well……. I was watching an idiot try and steal a candy outta a vending machine when tons of fun Tessie fell on him. Everybody that feels stupid raise your right hand.”

Absently Sebastian started to raise his hand and found it was no longer there!

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Easy, easy.”

Bludd calmed down somewhat.

“Look I know this guy, right he owes me a favor. He can give you a cool replacement for that, and all you need to do is one small favor for me.” The Commander smiled.

End of part 1





Part 2:
Guess who’s coming to dinner?

The doctor sat their as his patient rocked back and forth a bit.

“So he lost his hand in a vending machine. So what big deal?”

“Yeah but that’s not how I had to tell the tale. He made me keep it vague, never brought it up. I’m not the only one; he’s made others keep that secret too. Other secrets as well.”

“Such as…..?”


“Like the first time The Commander introduced him to the rest of Cobra……………..”




It was a stately dinner; many of Cobra’s top talent at the time were there. The Baroness. Destro, Dr. Venom, a fellow named ‘Scarface’, and Major Bludd.”

The dinner was a viper’s nest, no pun intended. Everybody had their own agenda. Including the good Major.
Now what he was there for was to start looking for an opening to kill the Commanders biggest rival in Cobra, Destro, the arms dealer. That’s officially why he was there, off the record he had a completely other agenda.

Bludd’s agenda of getting totally blasted by desert had been already accomplished.

“So Major what prior Military experience do you have?” Destro asked.
“Ohhhhhhh I been around Destro.” Bludd replied vaguely.
Truth is the Major left his answer as vague as possible his eyes were on the ass of the young girl serving their desert, and he really had little idea what Destro had said.

The Baroness was clearly curious too.
“Major you look familiar should I know you.”

“Well ah did do some movies from time to time between jobs mostly in the 70’s, you might not know me by my face, but ah can imagine if you saw other parts of me….”

Scarface spit out the wine he’d been drinking.

The Commander raised a finger, and waived it slowly back and forth,” I believe what the Major is saying is his body of work involved firearms co-coordinating, rather than acting.”

Bludd being as dumb as a brick didn’t take the Commanders easy out.
“Yeah I did do that on some films, but I did some work as a porn stand in.”

Dr Venom spoke up,” What the hell is a porn stand in? ”

Bludd was only too happy to supply the answer.
“Oh mate sometimes ah matey would finish up too soon, and go soft, and someone on da ready was needed for filler.”

Destro was outraged, “Major there are women present!”

“Ay, and there were women present on the set too, mind you I wasn’t aloud to go anywhere near them.”

“Pig.” Baroness grunted.

The Commander merely cradled his faceplate in both hands thinking what have I done bringing this moron here. Oh well at least pinning Destro’s untimely end on him would be easy.

Dr. Venom tried to change the subject.
“Sooooooooo uhm yeah anybody here a Clippers fan?”

Dead silence filled the room.

Venom tried to recover, “Me neither.”

The female server had returned pouring everyone some coffee.

Major Bludd just wouldn’t shut his mouth.”
“Ah there missy wot yeah doing after dis little shindig?”

She looked awkwardly toward the Commander, and then back at Bludd not knowing what to say.

Bludd was more than happy to continue his drunken babbling.
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.”

He stopped.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.”

He stopped again.

Everyone in the room was confused.

Finally he spit out, “Anybody got some blow?”

Again silence.

Again Bludd just started up, “You know nose candy?” He said tapping the side of his nostril.

Destro answered finally,”Uhmmmm No.”

Bludd stared at the chandelier for a few minutes, and then passed out face first into his cake.

Everyone stared at him for a minute, and then all heads turned toward the Commander.

He just sat there looking at the Major rolling his face in the cake.

Scarface just had to say something, “I just don’t get it I been in Cobra since it began, and I haven’t even made officer, yet this clown is given the position of Major?”

Baroness was next, “Really Commander I must protest where did you even find this……..this piece of trash?”

“It’s a long story.” Was all he could croak out.

Bludd let loose a long and smelly fart.

Around of,”Agghhhhh came from everyone present in the room.”

Destro grabbed the arm of the female server, “Could you go get some Lysol spray?”

“Anything to get outta here.” She responded, and promptly left the room.



End of part 2






Part 3:
Bludd’s hot date with The Baroness

“But as I’ m guessing you left dessert out of your recanting of this tale?” The doctor questioned.

“Yeah. Yeah I did. But it didn’t end there……..”







It was his first ‘Official’ mission with Cobra. Cobra had planned an operation on the treasury department building that well sorta fell apart. In the confusion the Commander decided this was the perfect time for Major Bludd to take out Destro.

The Commander was driving one Hiss tank with Destro as his turret man, and The Baroness, (Destro’s love interest) was driving the other with the Major in her turret. In the attempt to escape The Commander gives Bludd the order.

“Bludd can you hear me?”
“Bludd?”

Nothing.

“Major? Are you asleep again?”

“No I dropped my gum gimme a sec.”

The Commander could see this operation was a lost cause if they could just get past that Joe Wolverine tank they’d be Scot-free!

“Damn this turret is small, next time you might wanna consider leaving room for a gum rack.”

“Gum rack? Major our windows of opportunity are rapidly closing!”

“Just a second gov, my gum got stuck to the turn turret peddle an to me boot!”
The Commander looked out the canopy to see Bludd’s turret spinning around and around to the right wildly.

“Oh for the love of god. MAJOR! Quit screwing around and target Destro!”

“Damn it! I’m bleeding trying! Ohhhhh I don’t feel so good I’m gonna blow chunks.”
Green crap came spewing outta Sebastian’s mouth, mixed in were partially digested Cheez Its.
“Gor I don’t recall eating that! Arg this rot smells awful!”

“BLUDD!” The Commander’s voice echoed in his helmet.

“Quit yelling at me!” he countered back.

“Do the job you Down Under Dufus!”

The Major continued to tug at his boot, while fighting back the urge to hurl again. The urge won. Bludd spud was really starting to fill up the bottom of the turret now. As he was ankle deep!

“Ah jeez. Is that my liver? And wot the ‘ell is that? Or that for that matter? Oh wait that’s the condom of heroin I swallowed last week, thank god that didn’t break!”

“FIRE. THE. GUN.” The Commander bellowed.

“Stop yelling at me, your hurt’n me feelings!”

“I’ll hurt more than that, you useless piece of crap. SHOOT!”

The Major tugged at his foot trying to loosen his boot from the traverse peddle.
“Damn it all come loose ye bleeding sod!”

“Major I’m starting to loose my patience what the hell are you doing?” The Commander bellowed.

Bludd tugged, and tugged trying to get his boot free. When suddenly his foot slipped outta the boot. His knee came up and caught him on his chin. The force of the hit knocked him a little loopy as the turret came to a rest targeted at Destro.
The Major started singing,” It’s fun to stay at the YyyyyyMmmmmCccAAAAAA…..”

The Baroness noticed her display, and to her surprise she saw her turrets aimed directly at Destro!

“What is….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she cried, and cut the wheel of her Hiss toward a parked car!

Just then Bludd who was already loopy clonked his head on the fire control button lobbing off a blast that barely missed Destro.

“WHAT THE FU……” Destro screamed. His sentence was cut short by the exploding Hiss. When it dawned on him. The Baroness. Oh no.

But the Commander kept driving.

Bludd had been tossed clear of the explosion, but apprehended by the Joes unconscious, smelling of vomit, and missing a boot, along with a badly burned Baroness



End of part 3





Part 4:
A stroke of luck

The doctor tapped his pen on his clipboard in thought.
“I seem to recall some of that. Wasn’t there a news story about one of the terrorists being apprehended on a hijacked bus?”

“Well that’s the story that went around, and again it was supposedly Major Bludd that was apprehended on the bus, but in reality he was picked up off the ground unconscious, and stinky. But that’s not the way I was made to write it.”

The doctor nodded his head, “I’m starting to see. Go on.”

Larry continued,” Like the day he escaped……..”






The Major and the badly burned Baroness were brought to the Joes HQ, a location I can not reveal, but by the same they were brought there, Cobra had sorta figured out where the location might be, and began an assault on the base. As the tale was told the Major tricked the team doctor, killed the Joe’s General Flagg, and escaped with the Baroness.

What really happened was this.

Major Bludd was handcuffed to the bars of the holding cell, nursing one hell of a headache.
“ohhhhhhhhh” Moaned Major Bludd.

“Shut up Major.” Doc shot off at him.

“Can Eye at least ave a bleeding glass a wata? You know to wash the vomit taste outta me mouth?”

“Look I’m busy trying to save this woman’s life here, so could you shut up?”

“Jeez everybody’s been yelling at me. And I have to pee.”

Doc continued his business, and just ignored the Major.

“Ah feel like bombs are go in off in me head!”

General Flagg the Joes commander walked in. “He giving you trouble Doc?”

Doc continued his work, “Nothing wiring his jaw shut wouldn’t solve.”

Bludd protested,”HEY!”

Flagg continued, “Look Doc I really don’t wanna put the pressure on here, but we may need to move your patient. Is she ambulatory?”

“Bleeding wanker do you see a big red cross on her sweet rack?”

Flagg rolled his eyes, “Major have you ever been tested for your IQ?”

“Nope, VD once if I recall. Ow. There go those bombs in my head again.”

Doc sighed, and snapped at Bludd, “YOU MORON! That’s Cobra attacking not bombs in your head! God I wish my fingers emitted mace! GAHHHHHH!”

Flagg had to restraint Doc a bit. “Easy Doc, easy I’ll deal with Bludd you deal with her.”

“Where’s my boot?”

Doc looked at him and threw his hands in the air, “I give up. Can I hit him? Please I swear one shot and I know I can clean break his jaw, that’s all I’m asking one shot!”

Flagg considered it for a minute.

Then discarded the idea.

“No. No that would be wrong. Look we really need to get these two together to evacuate. Get her ready OK?”

“Yeah, yeah I can do that. I need to get some more painkillers from the next room though. You wanna watch him while I grab some from the next room?” Doc asked.

Drawing his hand gun Flagg responded, “No sweat Doc.”

Doc exited the room.

“Sooooo ***g….”

“Flagg doofus.”

“Right, right Flagg not ***g. You sure? I mean you look bleeding gay.”

“Won’t work Bludd I don’t have buttons to be pushed.”

“Ok, so just for conversations sake. Have you tossed a shot into the Bust Baroness while she’s all horizontal?”

“For Christ sakes, she’s burned over 80 percent of her body Bludd.”

“Right. Right.” He paused,” But she is unconscious right?”

“Man. You are a damn freak.”

Just then the fortress shook. A massive amount of Cobra ordinance detonated knocking the occupants all about.

The Major collected himself and stood up,” Jeez and crackers, last time I was tossed like that I was bedding a crack ***** having a seizure in Melbourne.”

He looked around and saw Flagg was not getting up, and a pool of blood slowly was seeping out from under him.

Flagg had stumbled in the rocking of the blast, and fallen on his automatic. The shot fatal.

Bludd was confused at first, but the glimmering of a handcuff key broke his daze.

“Sweeeeeet.” He bent down and snatched up the key. He could also see the General’s gun. He grabbed that too, and frantically unlocked himself from the cell bar.

Just then Doc rushed into the room, and surveyed the scene.

Bludd was free.
Flagg lay mortally wounded on the floor.
And the gun that did it was in Bludd’s hand.

One plus, two equaled,” YOU KILLED THE GENERAL!”

Bludd looked left, then right, and even over his shoulder confused. Searching for someone who killed Flagg.

“Ah did?”

“I mean….YEAH I DID! Your next pill daddy!”

Another explosion knocked Doc head first into the cell bars knocking him cold.

Bludd pulled himself up from the floor, and looked about.

“Talk about fools luck. And I finally got the Rackeness all to myself! ”
He unlocked the gurney wheels amazingly it had not tipped over in all the action, and rolled the gurney and himself to a getaway.

Their trip to Switzerland is another tale all together


End of part 4

Part 5:
Getting in deep in Switzerland

As it turned out Major Bludd found getting The Baroness to Switzerland was not as easy as he thought it would be.

Port Newark, NJ

“Look mate all I’m saying is yeah don’t afta lie to the skip, it’s a big boat, just don’t volunteer any info.”

The crewman on the freighter stood scratching his chin.
“What are you gonna do for me? I mean if she weren’t a burnt French fry we could work something out, but like that?”

Major Bludd gulped a bit he had heard tales of what men at sea would do with other men when things got too lonely.

He sighed and gave into what he thought he was gonna hafta do. He dropped his pants, bent over and turned around. “Make it quick mate, I ain’t proud of this.”

“WHA…..look pal sorry I don’t swing that way, I mean I was hoping for cash or something.”

“Oh, oh aye see.” Bludd pulled up his pants, and pulled out his wallet. “I ugh got thirty bucks and a coupon for a free Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast?”

“AHHHH SWEET! Denny’s! I’ll take both!”

“So were even then?” Bludd asked.

“Oh were even, but the captain sent me down here, and already knows you’re on board. He wants you to smuggle some diamonds into England for him.”

“Fine I’ll do it, but I want part of the cut I hafta arrange passage the Switzerland.”

“I’ll talk to the captain, he’s pretty reasonable, he might even radio ahead to have that ready for you.”


A few hours later.

Major Bludd sat in the Captain’s cabin as Captain Kindlely explained the plan.

“Okay here’s the deal, you bring the diamonds to this address.” He handed Bludd a paper. “Drop them off, and in the mean time my boys will bring little miss crisp to this address.” He handed Bludd a second piece of paper. “Odds are you’ll be there before she is, that’s just incase you need to give any one the slip that could be following you. When you get there a car will take you to a train, and the train takes you right to the town where your doctor friend is located. I even worked out fake id’s for you.”

Pretty sweet Bludd thought, but what was the catch.
“What’s the catch?”

The captain pushed a pill across the desk toward Bludd.
“Wot’s dis? I ain’t doing no cyanide for you bloke.”

“It’s a laxative you moron. You’ll need it to drop off the diamonds.”

Suddenly it dawned on him how he would be smuggling the diamonds in.
“See I just bloody well knew something was gett’n shoved up me bottom on this trip.”


Major Bludd was sore, but who wouldn’t be smuggling that many diamonds inside of your rectal cavity? He walked outta port security with a slight limp, there had been some questioning of his limp, but when a man with one eye, and a metal hand has a limp, the questioning pretty much ends there.

Bludd walked to the curb and hailed a taxi.

One stopped and Bludd hopped in.

“Where to Gov?” The cabbie said cheerfully.
Bludd briefly considered killing him just for his cheeriness.

Bludd handed him the piece of paper.

The cabbie inspected it and spat out,”Right-O!”

As the cab rumbled down the street, it hit nearly every pot hole, and Bludd’s backside rumbled with every hole.

The ride seemed like an eternity, but finally the cab came to a stop.
“Ear we are gov!”

Bludd paid the cabby, and walked up to the door of the house. After confirming the address he rang the bell.

A sexy woman in a teddy, and feathered red bathrobe answered.
She spoke clearly she was an American, and a hooker.

“Sweet mercy man did you father beat you with the sexy stick?”

Bludd knew that was a prearranged dialog designed to make him give the counter response.

He hated the counter response,” I wanna be made to fell like a woman.”

“Ohhhh right this way sir!” She led him inside, and closed the door.

“Let’s get this done with.” she stated. Her attitude had drastically changed. “The pill?”

He put it in his mouth and swallowed, “Any chance we could...”

“No. None at all. Its men like you that made me turn to women in the first place. Crap out my diamonds, keep your hands to yourself, or so help me god I’ll put a bullet in your forehead.” She pulled out a gun from the desk draw.

“Shame dat sorta talk usually turns me on. Where’s the WC?”

“Nope. Right here on the plastic, I ain’t taking any chances.”

Funny thing was the laxative didn’t clean everything out.

“22. Where are the remaining 3?”

“Look lass I swear to you he stuffed 25 in, ah man remembers that sorta thing.”

The hooker sighed, “Fine I believe you, but that means there still in there, and I’m gonna hafta go in and dig em out!”

“Wha…..” Before he could finish she was wrist deep searching!

“ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!”



The doctor held his hand up,”Look, look I really appreciate the fact some of this man’s tale has been tampered with, but can we skip the details here?”

“Oh sure. Yeah I guess this is a little gross here, so anyway. The Hooker got the diamonds. Bludd and the Baroness made it to Switzerland, and she had her surgery, she looked pretty good afterwards too, actually better than she had before. Then Major Bludd decided to blackmail Cobra Commander…….


End of part 5




Part 6:
Setting up The Commander
Part 1:
A Gagillion Dollars!

“So where were we?” The doctor asked.
“Switzerland.” Larry responded.
“Right, Switzerland.”


The Baroness had been operated on, and successfully. In fact she may have looked better than before her injuries. Bludd had explained to her how The Commander was behind his attempt on Destro, her love.

Major Bludd decided he would blackmail the Commander with this info. To that end he made a call.

The phone just kept ringing, and The Commander thought out loud,” For Christ sakes I run an elite underground terrorist organization and no one here knows how to answer a phone, but me?”

He answered the phone, “Hello?”

“This is the international operator, will you except a collect call from……..’Major Bludd’?”

“Oh for the love of……yes.”

“Please hold.”

“Allo?”

“Aren’t you dead?”

Bludd patted his pockets in as if checking.
“Nope.”

“Captured then?”

“Nope.”

“Look this is costing me money, what do you want Major?”

“Uhmmmmm oh right money I want money! Or I’ll tell Destro you paid me to kill him.”

“Wow not bad, you actually strung an entire sentence together, but what proof do you have?”

“The Baroness will back me up.”

The Commander went silent. “OK how much to shut you up?”
”One hundred million gagillion dollars.”

“That’s not a real amount of money you fool.”

“Is to I saw it on the Flintstones.”

“Sweet god you are this dumb. Ok how about I do the calculations from Flintstones to real money.” The Commander started making fake beeping noises.” Beep, boop, beep, beep, boo bop. Ugh I got three million dollars.”

“Better run those numbers again Gov, I got two million.”

“You got wha……ugh yeah ok two million, what a maroon.”

“I want that in a Gucci briefcase.”

“Why?”

“There shiny.”

“Fine, fine anything to end this call.”

“Oh and you bring it here yourself.”

“What? Why?”

“Your mask is shiny.”

“Oh lord. Fine I need some chocolates anyway. Where are you?”

“Where are you?”

“Idiot you know where I am, if you want me to come there I need to know where you are!”

“Bring it to….” The Major gave him some instructions,” BYE SEE YOU SOON!!!”

The Commander simply hung up. He sat down at his desk, and picked up the phone again and dialed. “Hello Stormshadow? You busy………?”



In Switzerland

Unbeknownst to Major Bludd he’s being watched.


“Roadblock, check this out Major Bludd, he’s picking his nose.”

“Ugh that’s nasty Duke, I think I’m gonna puke.” Roadblock replied.

“Ahhhh jeez he just ate it!” Duke cringed.

“Booger tar, tar, man that is disgusting by far.”

“Why do you keep rhyming everything?”

“What can I say I was born this way.”

“*Sigh*”


Anyway a few days later the Joes tracked Bludd to the town of Lucca Italy, where he was to meet the Commander and get his money.

The Commander and Stormshadow stepped outta the car to a town of weirdness.
“What is going on here?”

“You expected less from this moron, Commander?” Stormshadow who was in disguise questioned.

“No, not really. Is this a costume contest?”

“Silly as it may seem Commander; this will provide an unparalleled cover for our combat wear.”

“Agreed, maybe Bludd’s not as dumb as he looks.”

Just as The Commander finishes his sentence a car raced in and skidded to and Major Bludd and a few goons jumped out.

Stormshadow revealed himself and dispatched the goons quickly.

Major Bludd tripped and hit his head on the ground. As he got up a little goofy, Stormshadow was waiting with the business end of his sword pointed at Bludd.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you Stormshadow.” The Baroness had her gun drawn at The Commander.

Stalemate.

“Oh for the love of god. What is this a comic book? Doesn’t anyone stay dead anymore?” The Commander exclaimed, “I swear if ever die I’m staying dead."

Just then the Joes came riding in guns blazing.

There was a lot of confusion, The Baroness grabbed The Commander and jumped in the limo.

Major Bludd and Stormshadow grabbed a……………parade float.

“Oh this is intolerable.” The ninja griped.

“Whot? Look it’s a bear! ROOOOOAARRRR!”

“It’s a Dragon first of all and second of all it's a parade float you Australian fool.” A shot ran past his head.

“Well any port in a storm I suppose.”

They hopped on board.

“Shall I drive or do you want to?”

“Crimeny, you need to put a quarter in if you want to ride this here bear.”

“A quarter?” snap his neck, snap his neck, snap his neck, "I’ll drive.”

The chase was really a mess. Downhill driving, a cement mixer, and Major Bludd
farted a lot, and threw up once or twice.

But in the end the Joes captured Cobra Commander. I’d like to say it was their skill, because they simply are the best there is, but in the end it was Major Bludd that tied the Commanders boot laces together, causing him to be captured.

As Stormshadow, The Baroness, and Major Bludd escaped on the parade float Stormshadow was less than happy.

“YOU MORON! I needed him you fool!”

Bludd just laughed, and pointed in the direction of the Commander.

Baroness had a slightly better view of things, “Look Stormshadow, maybe we can work this all out when we gat back and talk to Destro. With The Commander outta the way there are all sorts of possibilities.”

End of part 6




Part 7:
Setting up The Commander
Part 2:
S-A-F-E-T-Y first

“They actually captured the Cobra Commander?! “ The doctor exclaimed.
“Yeah, well they didn’t have him for long, and it was sort of an embarrassment that he got away so quickly.”

“Well Larry, I must admit I look forward to our little visits every week. What happened next?”
“Well doc in the brief absence….”

…..of The Commander, the command staff made a few attempts to carry on their own agenda. Including a wild goose chase to Florida, but once Stormshadow had freed him, and then freed himself. Major Bludd was sorta underground at that point. Not totally forgiven at that point, but not totally on the outs yet. Then again there was a tenuous acceptance from all involved with Cobra. It seems no matter who tried to have who killed, or who was blackmailing who everyone put it aside to deal with Cobra affairs.

But The Baroness was a little less than forgiving.

“GARRRRRR!” she slammed a vase into the wall.
Major Bludd sat in a chair with his shirt hiked up just below his chest; he was picking his belly button.
“I HATE HIM SEBASTIAN!”
“Who?”
“The Commander!”
“Who?” he continued to pick away.
“Big guy silver face?”
“Oh your boyfriend.”
“No the other guy with the silver face.”
Bludd picked away still, and finally looked up at her,” He’s in charge?”
“Yes you buffoon, that’s we call him Cobra Commander.”
“Oh well that explains a few things.” Bludd changed topics with no notice,”Yeah evea really look at your belly button?”

“What?”
“No seriously it’s sorta creepy.” Bludd pinched the skin above and below his belly button as if to make it talk. And in a silly voice started singing,” You can dance if you want to you can leave your friends behind, cause if they don’t dance then their no friends of mine! S – A – F – E – T - Y Dance.”

The Baroness stood watching in horror. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Bludd continued his mock mouth. “Ohhhh somebody is PMS ing.”

“WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
He stopped his belly play,” What crawled up your ass?”

She was furious, but decided it was either crush his windpipe or put his stupidity to use.

“Look Major, what do you say we do something about The Commander.”

Like a child his eyes light up. “YEAHHHH Lets crap on his desk!”

“Nooo I was thinking more like….”

“OH I KNOW! We can trench his front lawn!”

“Again no that’s not what……”

“TP his house?”

“No more like….”

“Pee in his punch?”

“NO YOU MORON! KILL HIM!!!”

“Oh, yeah well okay we could do that, but it’s not as fun as mooning him from a Stinger window, now.”

“Okay now we need to figure out how, where, when and who’s gonna do it.” Baroness stated.

“OH, OH I KNOW!” Bludd blurted out jumping up and down with his hand raised in the air like a school child.

“What?”

“Uhmmm I forgot. Heh.”
“Well here’s what I...”

“OH OH I REMEMBER!”

“*sigh* What?”

“We could hire that Snake Eyes guy! He’s bad ass!”

“Yeah but he sorta works for the enemy.”

“Oh yeah I forgot.”

“Look lets dig around the offices, maybe something will come up.”

“Well now you and me all alone in the office, somethin’s already comin up!”

Baroness knee’d him in the groin.

“Ahhhh…..huf...huf...that…..was...huf...huf...wro ng.” Bludd moan clutching his jewels.

“Yet ever so satisfying. Come Major Dude to the office.”

“That’s Bludd yah daffy *****.”

A right cross landed squarely on Major Bludd’s jaw.

“Aright, aright enough, lets go play Nancy Drew already.”

The Baroness and Bludd made their way to the offices were Cobra kept it’s fake records for moving equipment about the country.

Major Bludd cupped his sack in one hand and his jaw in the other. By the time they made it to the office he was more or less ok.

When they walked through the door and found a kid already going through the files, The Baroness was stunned,” Well what have we here?”

The kid ran up to Major Bludd and head butted him in the crotch.

“Gorrrrr what is this Bag ol’ Bludd day?” Bludd collapsed to his knees.

The Baroness grabbed the kids arm and twisted it behind his back, “Nice shot kid. Do it again.” She whispered.

Billy lashed out with his foot and landed it in Bludd’s crotch.

Bludd rolled to his side, and whimpered in pain.

“That’s for the PMS crack.” She hissed at him.

End of part 7




Part 8:
The Gun in Sebastian Bludd’s gym bag

“Matters only went from bad to worse as the plot to kill the Commander continued……….”




“Okay now play it all through for me Billy.” The Baroness leaned over and coached Billy.

“I walk up with the rest of these dorks in these Cobra youth suits, when I get close enough I pull the gun and blow off his stinking head.”

“Gah you forgot my poem!” Major Bludd squealed.

“Poem?” Baroness and Billy both questioned in unison.

“Yah, I been writing it for ever now, this whole thing won’t make any sense if it don’t rhyme.” Bludd thrusted a piece of paper forward.

Billy looked at the Baroness, “Is he retarded?”

Billy was getting an awesome view right into her cleavage.

“Apparently.” She paused noticing Billy staring. “Could you not gawk at my breasts?”

“No.” he replied.

“Me neither.” Bludd offered.

She stood back up to her full height. “Can we get back to work?”

“We can if Timmy learns my poem.”

“It’s Billy.” Billy corrected.

“Billy. Timmy whatever I hate kids.”

“We hate you too, Major Crud.” Billy shot back.

“Yeah well your Mama’s so ugly I would bang her.”

The Baroness shook her head, “Look Billy just say the damn poem he wrote will you?”
“Fine.” Billy took the paper unfolded and read aloud.

“There once was a man from Nantucket….” Billy started, when the Baroness suddenly swiped the paper from his hand.

“Hey!” Billy complained.

“I don’t think so Major, something else maybe?”

Bludd stopped and considered,”Yea right try this one.” He scribbled on a note pad tore off a scrap of paper, and gave it to Billy.

“Roses are red, Violets are…..oh come on this stinks, I mean completely it sucks on like the black hole level.” Billy complained.

“Right cause you’re a flipp’n poetry expert now, Johnny.” Bludd retorted.

“BILLY!” he screamed.

“Billy who kid? “ Bludd questioned looking all around.

“ME!!! I’M BILLY YOU IDIOT!!”

The Baroness interjected,” This is getting nowhere. Billy, walk up say the poem, and pull the damn trigger.”

Billy turned his attention back to the Baroness, or to be correct her breasts again.

“Major Bludd the gun please.” The Baroness waited with hand extended for the weapon.

Major Bludd pulled an old satchel type bag up off the floor and dropped it on a crate.
He opened it, and started rummaging through it.

“Right gun.”

Sifting through he began to pull items out of the bag.

A hairbrush.
A can of sardines.
A copy of Field and Stream.
Some oily rags.
Hand full after hand full of rubber bands.
An empty soda can.
A my little pony figure.
Loose candies.
A thong swimsuit.
A VHS tape labeled Lilly Tomlin: Live!
A measuring tape.
A partially devoured, clearly moldy unwrapped turkey sub.
A deflated blow up doll.
A Rubik’s Cube.
Packets of sugar.
A cigarette lighter, from a car.
One multi colored hankie that kept coming out for what seemed five minutes.
A blow up man doll.
A copy of an Archie comic.
Some wires.
Pez.
Leather Chaps.
A nail file.
A reseal able can of something called In and Out.

“Is the gun in there or not?” The Baroness questioned.

“Keep yer shirt on…….what am I saying?”

“The gun Major.” She said more forcefully.

Bludd continued sifting trough the bag.

Some talcum powder.
Foot spray.
One sock.
A paper ball.
A waffle ball.
Half of a pool ball.
A clear bag of what could only be toe nail clippings.

Billy pointed, and started to question, “What is…”
When Baroness grabbed his head with both hands and redirected his head so his gaze was back on her chest.

Some firecrackers.
Coupons from the Sunday paper.
A stapler.
One of those tube toys that is hard to hold, which slipped outta Bludd’s hand.
Handcuffs.
More wire.
A book of dirty poems.
Easter Grass.
Something nearly liquid in a clear jar.
A box of raisins.
A Cathy Ireland Swimsuit calendar.
And finally a .357 magnum.

“Sweet mother of god that took long enough.” The Baroness quipped out. She looked back at Billy, and saw he was still staring and used her pointer finger and middle finger
to poke Billy in the eyes lightly.

“Arg.” He cried.

“Now, both of you please don’t screw this up.” She warned them.

Bludd strolled over to her with the gun, and handed it over. He looked down and stared at her breasts.

She pulled the hammer back and jammed the gun in his crotch.
“One hand, one eye. Wanna try for one of something else?”

Bludd gulped and slowly backed away from her all the while focusing on her forehead.
End of part 8.

I'll post more of it tommorrow.