Help wanted!

[gung-hoeddie]

CODE NAME
FLAK-VIPER
COBRA ANTI-AIRCRAFT TROOPER


"WE COULD POSITIVELY MAX-OUT OUR HIGH SCORE IF ONLY WE HAD TURBO-JOYSTICK CONTROLLERS!"

FLAK-VIPERS HAVE A PASSIVE, INFRARED TARGETING AND SIGHTING SYSTEM BUILT INTO THEIR HELMETS. THIS ALLOWS THEM TO FIRE EXTREMELY ACCURATE TAIL-BITER MISSILES AT G.I. JOE AIRCRAFT. THESE ARE DEDICATED AND MOTIVATED TROOPERS. TO MAINTAIN MAXIMUM LEVELS OF EFFECTIVENESS, FLAK-VIPERS SPEND LONG HOURS EVERY DAY PRACTICING SIMULATED MISSILE ENGAGEMENTS USING A PROGRAM CARTRIDGE THAT PLUGS INTO THEIR HELMETS. IT WOULD BE LIKE PLAYING A PORTABLE VIDEO GAME FOR 10 HOURS STRAIGHT! THESE GUYS GET A KICK OUT OF ROAMING THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE COBRA ARMY VEHICLES WHILE "PICKING OFF" INCOMING ENEMY AIRCRAFT.

[Greg3]

CODE NAME:
SERPENTOR
COBRA EMPEROR

A SECRET CABAL OF COBRA SCIENTISTS, UNDER THE DIRECTION OF THE INTERROGATOR AND DESTRO COMBED THE TOMBS, SARCOPHAGI AND RELICS OF THE LONG GREAT DESPOTS OF HISTORY TO FIND CELLS WITH DNA TRACES. FROM THESE LONG-DEAD GENETIC BLUEPRINTS THEY PRODUCED A COMPOSITE CLONE WITH THE MILITARY GENIUS OF JULIUS CEASAR, THE DARING OF HANNIBAL, AND THE FISCAL ACUMEN OF ATTILA THE HUN... THE ULTIMATE COBRA EMPEROR! A MASTER OF POLITICAL INTRIGUE AND A BRILLIANT TACTICIAN, HE IS CAPABLE OF WRESTING POWER FROM COBRA COMMANDER FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE INTERROGATOR AND DESTRO. FORTUNATELY FOR THE ACTION FORCE, THE COBRA EMPEROR'S OWN AMBITIONS WERE NOT TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION BY HIS CREATORS...

"HIS EYES HAVE SEEN THE LEGIONS OF ROME TRAMPLE THE GAULS AND NERVII INTO THE DUST. HIS HAND LIFTED THE HORSE-HAIR BATON THAT SIGNALLED THE FIRST CHARGE OF THE CARTHAGINIAN ARMOURED ELEPHANT PHALANX. HIS EARS HAVE HEARD THE RATTLE OF FRENCH CUIRASSIERS ON THE STREETS OF MOSCOW. BUT IT IS HIS MIND WE MUST FEAR THE MOST. THE THOUGHTS OF THE COBRA EMPEROR HAVE NOT DRIFTED FROM GLOBAL CONQUEST SINCE THE REIGN OF KING SOLOMON..."

[gung-hoeddie]

CODE NAME
STRATO-VIPER
COBRA NIGHT RAVEN S3P PILOT


THE BEST SECRET AGENTS IN THE WORLD WORK FOR PRIVATE CORPORATIONS AS INDUSTRIAL SPIES SIMPLY BECAUSE "BIG BUSINESS" PAYS BETTER THAN ANY GOVERNMENT. COBRA CAN ATTRACT SOME OF THE BEST PILOTS FROM ALL AROUND THE GLOBE TO JOIN THE AIR WING OF THE COBRA LEGIONS, KNOWN AS THE AIR-VIPERS, BY DOUBLING AND TRIPLING THEIR SALARIES. AIR-VIPERS ARE FORMIDABLE OPPONENTS BUT THE STRATO-VIPERS ARE THE "CREME DE LA CREME"

"TO QUALIFY AS A STRATO-VIPER, A CANDIDATE MUST FIRST BE AN AIR-VIPER WITH 1,500 HOURS LOGGED IN FLIGHT TIME. HE MUST HAVE A FIXED-WING RATING UP TO FOUR ENGINES, COMBAT EXPERIENCE, AN IMPECCABLE SECURITY CLEARANCE, AND BE WILLING TO UNDERGO THE SURGICAL PROCEDURE NECESSARY TO MAKE HIM MORE RESISTANT TO HYPOXIA, HYPERVENTILATION AND OTHER DECOMPRESSION SICKNESSES THAT CAN EFFECT A PILOT ABOVE ARMSTRONGS LINE (63,000 FEET)."

[gung-hoeddie]

CODE NAME
W.O.R.M.S
MAGGOT DRIVER

W.O.R.M.S ARE SELF-PROPELLED ARTILLERY SPECIALISTS OF THE COBRA GROUND FORCES AND ARE CROSS-TRAINED WITHIN THEIR BLANKET SPECIALTY. ANY SINGLE W.O.R.M.S CAN MAN ANY POSITION ON A MAGGOT, BE IT DRIVER, GUNNER, LOADER OR DIESEL MECHANIC. UNDER OPTIMUM CONDITIONS, A MAGGOT IS MANNED BY A CREW OF FOUR; COMMANDER, DRIVER, GUNNER AND LOADER, UNDER BATTLE CONDTIONS, IT IS POSSIBLE FOR A MAGGOT TO STAY IN ACTION, MAINTAINING FIRE CAPABILITY WITH ITS CREW REDUCED TO TWO.

"A BATTERY OF MAGGOTS CAN RECIEVE TARGET INFORMATION FROM A CENTRAL FIRE CONTROL VEHICLE AND IS CAPABLE OF FIRING GUIDED AND BRILLIANT MUNITIONS, SOME OF WHICH ARE ECM** RESISTANT, FIRE AND FORGET, SELF TARGETTING PROXIMITY FUSED HEAT*** ROUNDS. A MAGGOT'S CREW DOESN'T HAVE TO THINK TOO HARD, WHICH IS WHY THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR BEING A W.O.R.M.S IS THE ABILITY TO WALK WHILE HOLDING A BOGIE WHEEL UNDER ONE ARM AND A 155MM SHELL UNDER THE OTHER"

* WEAPONS ORDNANCE RUGGED MACHINE SPECIALIST
** ELECTRONIC COUNTER MEASURES
*** HIGH EXPLOSIVE ANTI-TANK

[gung-hoeddie]

CODE NAME
ZANZIBAR
DREADNOK PIRATE
FILE NAME
MORGAN TEACH
BIRTH PLACE
CAYMEN ISLAND

ZANZIBAR WAS RAISED ON A RUBBISH DUMP AND SPENT MOST OF HIS FORMATIVE YEARS LURKING ON CROWDED PIERS WITH HIS HANDS IN OTHER PEOPLE'S POCKETS. HE TRIED HIS HAND AT RIVER PIRACY, STOCK FRAUD AND SMUGGLING BUT FOUND ALL OF IT TOO MUCH LIKE REAL WORK AND NOT NASTY ENOUGH FOR HIS TASTES. HIS LUCKY BREAK CAME WHEN HE DELIVERED A LOAD OF BOOTLEG PETROL TO ZARTAN'S FILLING STATION AND WAS IMMEDIATELY TAKEN ON AS A DREADNOK.

"THIS GUY IS SO NASTY THAT EVEN THE OTHER DREADNOKS HATE HIM! HE SNEAKS AROUND AT NIGHT AND GOES THROUGH THEIR POCKETS FOR CHANGE. HE TAKES ONE BITE OUT OF EACH JAM DOUGHNUT AND THROWS THEM BACK IN THE BOX. HE BRUSHES HIS TEETH WITH PEPSI AND NEVER CHANGES HIS SOCKS!"

[gung-hoeddie]

CODE NAME
ZARANA
ZARTAN'S SISTER

ZARANA IS A PROFESSIONAL ASSASSIN WHO GAINS ACCESS TO HER VICTIMS THROUGH SKILLFUL ACTING AND MASTERFUL USE OF MAKE UP AND DISGUISE. WHILE HER BROTHER ZARTAN CONCENTRATES ON THE PURELY PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF DISGUISE, ZARANA WORKS FROM THE METHOD ACTOR'S POINT OF VIEW: TO COMPLETELY BECAME THE OBJECT OF HER IMPERSONATION - TO THINK, FEEL REACT LIKE ANOTHER PERSON. SHE IS AN EXPERT IN SMALL ARMS, EXPLOSIVES AND EDGED WEAPONS.

"ZARANA COULD OF HAD A BRILLIANT CAREER ON THE PROFESSIONAL STAGEIF THE EVIL OF HER NATURE HADN'T BEEN SO STRONG. SHE THROWS TANTRUMS, CUTS AHEAD IN QUEUES, AND NEVER LEAVES A TIP. SHE POSED AS AN ORAL HYGENIST FOR SIX MONTHS ON ONE ASSIGNMENT ARMED ONLY WITH A REEL OF SPECIALLY COATED DENTAL FLOSS TO INCAPACITATE HER UNWITTING VICTIMS. SHE ESCAPED, DRESSED AS AN OLD LADY HOBBLING ON A WALKING STICK, RIGHT PASSED THE POLICE AND INTO A CAB. THE TAXI DRIVER REMEMBERED HER . . . SHE DIDN'T LEAVE A TIP."

[The Baron]

Thanks Greg3 and gung-hoeddie!

[Destro]

CODE NAME:
BIG BOA
COBRA TRAINER
FILE NAME: UNKNOWN.

COBRA TROOPERS CAN BE AN UNRULY BUNCH AT TIMES. THEY AREN'T MOTIVATED BY PATRIOTISM, UNIT LOYALTY, HONOUR OR SENSE OF DUTY. IT TAKES A BRUTAL UNFEELING TASKMASTER TO WHIP THEM INTO FIGHTING TRIM AND BIG BOA FITS THE BILL TO A TEE. HE HAS A VOICE LIKE A BULLHORN, FISTS THE SIZE OF FROZEN TURKEYS AND THE DISPOSITION OF A BEAR WITH A SORE HEAD.

"BIG BOA KICKS OPEN THE COBRA BARRACKS DOOR AT 0500 AND MAKES EVERYONE DO A LOW CRAWL UP THE MOUNTAIN WHILE PUSHING A BOWLING BALL WITH THEIR NOSES. THEN, IT'S A TWENTY MILE RUN THROUGH THE BRAMBLE THICKETS, MORE PUSH-UPS THAN YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT, AND A TWO MILE SWIM UPSTREAM WITH FLAK JACKET AND HELMET. AFTER BREAKFAST HE STARTS ON THE HARD STUFF!"

[Destro]

DREADNOK
CODE NAME: BUZZER
FILE NAME: DICK BLINKEN (RICHARD BLINKIN-SMYTHE)
PLACE OF BIRTH: CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND

BUZZER WAS AN EXTREME LEFT-WING SOCIOLOGY DON WHO WENT TO AUSTRALIA TO RESEARCH THE BIKER GANG PHENOMENON, ONLY TO BE TRANSFORMED INTO THE VERY OBJECT OF HIS RESEARCH. YEARS OF INTELLECTUAL DISPLEASURE AND EXTREME INDIGNATION AT SOCIETY'S TWO-FACED MORALITY MANIFESTED INTO THE INTENSE DESIRE TO CHAINSAW APART THE EXPENSIVE FOUNDATIONS OF TECHNOLOGICAL SOCIETY.

SPECIALITY AND M.O.*: A SCAVENGER OF THE SWAMPS, BUZZER CAN CUT THROUGH STEEL, WROUGHT IRON AND ANY METAL (EXCEPT ARMOUR PLATE) WITH HIS DIAMOND TOOTHED CHAINSAW.

*MODUS OPERANDI

[Destro]

WATER MOCCASIN PILOT
CODE NAME: COPPERHEAD
FILE NAME: CLASSIFIED
BIRTHPLACE: UNKNOWN
MILITARY SPECIALITY: AIR-DRIVER SWAMP VEHICLE OPERATOR

IT IS PRESUMED THAT COPPERHEAD IS NATIVE TO OR OTHERWISE INTIMATELY FAMILIAR WITH THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES. INTELLIGENCE SOURCES VENTURE A GUESS THAT HE RACED SPEEDBOATS IN HIGH STAKES RACES IN MONACO AND JAPAN. HIS MAJOR WEAKNESS IS GAMBLING. ODDS ARE THAT HE GOT STARTED BY PLACING BETS ON HIS OWN RACES. APPARENTLY HE COMPOUNDED HIS FOLLY BY SELLING HIS SERVICES TO COBRA IN HOPES OF PAYING OFF HIS BOOKIES.

GUNG-HO SAYS: "SURE. I KNOW THE TYPE. THEY'RE ALL AROUND THE GULF COAST. TRASH. DRIFTERS. THEY CAN DRIVE A SWAMP BUGGY LIKE THE DEVIL HIMSELF, REBUILD A V-8 WITH A COAT HANGER AND SPIT, FIGHT ALL NIGHT AND RAISE CAIN 'TIL THE COCK GROWS. THEY GOT A HEART FULLA GIMME AND A MOUTH FULL O' MUCH OBLIGED..."