Who's there?gung-hoeddie wrote:Ok... Knock knock....SteveD wrote:Sorry!!! Double post - please insert witty comment or gag here...............................................................................so as not to waste this air time?
Prices
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tintinlostsnowy
- Special Weapons
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- Location: Burnley, England
Re: Prices
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gung-hoeddie
- Purveyor of fine trifle
- Posts: 5156
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- Location: by the sea side
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tintinlostsnowy
- Special Weapons
- Posts: 793
- Joined: 29 Jul 2007 00:58
- Location: Burnley, England
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tintinlostsnowy
- Special Weapons
- Posts: 793
- Joined: 29 Jul 2007 00:58
- Location: Burnley, England
Re: Prices
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the
little b**tard.
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the
little b**tard.
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gung-hoeddie
- Purveyor of fine trifle
- Posts: 5156
- Joined: 06 Dec 2008 11:51
- Location: by the sea side
Re: Prices
Michael jackson....tintinlostsnowy wrote:Little boy blue who?
CIA got you pushing to many pencils.
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tintinlostsnowy
- Special Weapons
- Posts: 793
- Joined: 29 Jul 2007 00:58
- Location: Burnley, England
Re: Prices
Never underestimate "Little Old Ladies"
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
A little old lady went into the Bank of England one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much umming and ahhing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see...... The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of England's president's balls in my hand."
Remember you did say post witty comment or gags in this thread
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
A little old lady went into the Bank of England one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much umming and ahhing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see...... The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of England's president's balls in my hand."
Remember you did say post witty comment or gags in this thread
Re: Prices
ever hear about the Soviet snooker player? he was called Inoff the Red.
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gung-hoeddie
- Purveyor of fine trifle
- Posts: 5156
- Joined: 06 Dec 2008 11:51
- Location: by the sea side
Re: Prices
whats the difference between an essex girl and the titanic...... Only fifteen hundred men went down on the titanic.
CIA got you pushing to many pencils.
Re: Prices
how many Borg drones does it take to change a light-bulb?
Darkness is irrelavent. Light-bulbs are irrelavent. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
Darkness is irrelavent. Light-bulbs are irrelavent. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
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tintinlostsnowy
- Special Weapons
- Posts: 793
- Joined: 29 Jul 2007 00:58
- Location: Burnley, England
Re: Prices
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."